Love Me. Leave Me. What Do I Care?

I have already talked about people who play games in relationships, and how people are influenced by reality shows and messages about dating in the media.  However, I also have to wonder if there is something else to it?  What would make that kind of dating appeal to someone?  Don’t people want to fall in love and have fulfilling relationships?  I’m sure some people sabotage their love lives for fun, but for others, I think it’s deeper than that.  I think some people have a deeply rooted fear of rejection so they try to sabotage the relationship, keep their distance, and avoid getting hurt.

One thing I’ve learned about the wide world of media, is that no matter how biased they seem at times, there is always information out there that counteracts other information.  Media can be very manipulative, but they can also be very informative if the writer has the right intentions.
Dr. Allison Conner offers valuable advice on cognitive-therapy-associates.com.  She says number 1 of the top 10 dating mistakes people make is game playing, and specifically “playing it cool” to avoid getting too close to someone.  Some people do this to have the upper hand.  Why would someone want the upper hand?  To avoid getting hurt.

My roommate is interested in this guy, Matt who hasn’t treated her very well.  He has acted interested in her, only to leave her hanging and flaunt his flirting with other girls.  She always swears she’s over him, but the minute he calls or texts, she’s right back in the trap.  She has learned from a pattern that he has a tendency to disappoint her, so now she has trained herself to act aloof and not get her hopes up.  He told her about a week ago that he wanted to take her on a date.  Anticipating that he might not call, she said, “If we go, great.  If not, I could care less.  I’m just having fun anyway.”  I know she doesn’t really feel this way.  She’s only trying to protect her heart.

In the situation where someone knows they are dealing with a heartbreaker, he or she should protect their heart.  If it’s a genuinely good person, though, this can sabotage the potential for a relationship.

Typical scenario:  A man meets a woman.  He is very interested, but he doesn’t want to appear that way because she might reject him, leaving him feeling like an idiot for getting so excited.  The woman accepts his offer for a date.  They begin seeing each other.  It’s going well, but he makes sure he always monitors his behavior so that he doesn’t act too excited or enthusiastic around her.  He doesn’t want to scare her away and he’s scared of rejection.  The relationship ends anyway.  She tells him she just wasn’t feeling it.  After the disappointment wears off, he comforts himself in 2 ways.  Number 1, he thinks, “At least I didn’t put too much enthusiasm into this relationship.  If I had, she would have dumped me and I would have felt like such a loser for getting my hopes up because that would have meant she was rejecting the true, exposed me.”  His next thought is, “She broke up with me never having seen me at my best.  Maybe if I would have shown more of my true self, enthusiasm and all, she would have liked me more.  The only reason it didn’t work out is because she didn’t know the real me.”

These thoughts are comforting because they make the person feel secure in the breakup.  Maybe they did get dumped, but it was only because they made a choice to be a certain way.  If a person completely opens up and shows their feelings, they make themselves vulnerable in a way there is no coming back from.  If they get dumped in this situation, they know they are being dumped for the person they really are, and that’s a tough pill to swallow.

So what they do, is consistently and continuously hold back in every relationship.  The problem is, that they never allow themselves to feel the full impact of their feelings or share true intimacy with another person, and at the same time, they create a self-fulfilling prophecy.  They think, “This person is going to reject me at some point, so I’m just going to hold back my true feelings.”  The other person inevitably ends up rejecting them because they can sense that they are always holding back.  This rejection strengthens the view that they will always be rejected, and the pattern continues.

The reward of showing our enthusiasm, is that it always adds passion to our lives.  Nobody can be truly fulfilled unless they are letting their enthusiasm out.  The key to being able to do this, is to be confident enough to know that even if we are rejected, we can move on and find others who will not reject us.  Playing it safe is never the way to go.  By playing it safe, we will ruin or make ourselves numb to every relationship that comes our way.  How is that rewarding?  It isn’t.

Love is a Battlefield Because of Reality TV

My last two blogs have touched on the subjects of gender portrayals in the media.  I’ve discussed how much the media influence our views, of masculinity, femininity, beauty, and desirability, but what about the media’s influence of how men and women relate to one another? Do the dating reality shows we watch have an impact on our views of dating, relationships, and monogamy?  I say yes, absolutely.

Many reality shows focus on dating relationships.  It all started out with ABC’s, “The Bachelor.” This was a show that featured a young man looking for love.  ABC brought 25 beautiful and accomplished women on the show for him to choose from.  After this, the idea snowballed, and now we have a whole slew of reality shows that feature a person trying to find a match.  “Tila Tequila”, “Rock of Love”, “I Love New York,” and “Flavor Flav” are examples of the many shows of people supposedly looking for love.

The problem is that these so called hopeless romantics never seem to find what they’re looking for, so they continue to come back season after season.  They promise to love one person, and then for one reason or another it doesn’t work out, and they’re back at square one.

A smart viewer would realize a show like this is only for entertainment purposes, but many people seem to be effected by these shows and think this is how real life is.  I look around my college campus and I see people taking relationships so lightly I have to wonder why they are even in a relationship in the first place!

A lot of my friends play mind games with their boyfriends, change boyfriends often, and cheat on the ones they have.  It’s as if a relationship means nothing.  It’s all about convenience.  When the person isn’t around, anything goes, and there are plenty of fish in the sea.

I truly believe that these reality shows give the impression that relationships are for temporary entertainment.  They suggest that there are so many possible matches out there, why should anyone settle for just one?

Shows like these even glamorize rejection.  It’s always a dramatic moment when the person in love gets rejected.  Sometimes, the slighted one is the person running the show.  Sometimes the person running the show hurts others.  Either way, the moment when it happens is usually very entertaining.  All is usually well.  The rejecter continues to play the field, and the person who is rejected finds someone new very quickly.

The problem is, in real life, it’s never so cut and dry.  In reality, feelings are involved and people get hurt.  I’ve seen this happen way too many times.  Two people will be in a relationship.  One is really falling for the other, thinking they are creating something solid.  The other one is just playing a game.  The game player hurts the vulnerable one, and then continues on this series of breaking hearts.  The vulnerable one never seems to lose this vulnerability, because they always feel the cycle will continue to happen in the future.

This is why people say, “Love is a battlefield.”  You never know what you’re getting.  You never know who is genuinely looking for love or who is simply playing games to occupy their time.

When people are brainwashed by these silly reality shows, I just have to wonder, when will they come to a point when they think enough is enough.  Will they ever want to settle down and be genuine?  Will they ever stop playing mind games?

I just think that true love and TV doesn’t usually mix.  Of all of the seasons of “The Bachelor,” the process of finding love has succeeded for only one couple.  Maybe that one was meant to be, but usually when people are bombarded with choices and competition, it doesn’t work out.  When viewers tune into these shows and then try to create similar dating situations in their own lives, the effects can be disastrous and devastating for the people they choose to date.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with casual dating or even dating more than one person at once.  I do think there is something wrong when a person tricks another person into thinking something is more serious than it is, or when they trick someone into thinking that person is the only one they have eyes for.

People need to realize love is not a game.  Love is not a show.  Love is something special that happens between two people who are both ready for it.  As long as people have the mindset that they will never settle down and they are just loving for the sake of convenience and attention, the relationship is doomed for failure, and a destructive pattern becomes continuous.

Are These Pink Pants Mine or His?

In my last blog I talked about the emphasis of beauty in women shifting.  Well, this isn’t the only trend shifting.  Is seems that as women begin caring less and less about beauty, men have begun to care more and more about their own appearances.  Is it just me or are men more high maintenance than ever now?  Are the gender roles blurring?

It used to be that women were stereotyped for spending hours in front of the mirror, and men were stereotyped for rolling out of bed and heading out the door without so much as a thought for their appearance.  Now, men are becoming “metrosexual,” and women seem to like it!

The pretty boy trend all started in the late 1990s with musicians and boy band groups like the Backstreet Boys and Nsync.  Handsome Latin musicians like Ricky Martin and Enrique Iglesias appeared on the scene, and suddenly wearing tight clothes and gelled hair was the style.  Suddenly, it seemed less attractive to be rugged, and more attractive to be well groomed and styled.

This also became more apparent with the 2003 show “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.” On this show, gay men gave straight men makeovers to help them attract more women.  The idea was to look as preppy as possible.  Now, all of a sudden, I see young guys running around in pink shirts and even clothes with flower prints.

Men who have adopted a Punk, Emo or even Rock style, are wearing a fashion known as “girl pants.” These are form fitting pants that snug tightly to the leg and create a slimming look.  When I see guys walking around campus with this style, I always think they are girls from a distance.

The movie “40 Year Old Virgin” includes a scene where Steve Carell’s character gets his chest waxed.  This used to be something unthinkable for a masculine man.  Waxing was only for women.  Now, men are getting not only back waxes, but even chest, eye brows, and pubic hair waxes.  It’s all about being neat and clean.  What happened to the idea of being a manly man?  It’s amazing how masculine ideals have changed in such a short period of time.

On season 4 of the hit 90s sitcom, “Seinfeld,” George’s father begins wearing the “Bro/Manzier,” which was a bra for men.  This episode became very popular and got a lot of laughs because at the time it was such an absurd and outrageous idea.  Men did not wear typical women’s lingerie.  Well, now they do.  Now men even wear thong underwear.  Who knew we would ever see the day?

This just shows us how powerfully the media can change traditional ideals.  Even when the concepts of masculinity and femininity have been ingrained in us from childhood, a popular celebrity can start a new trend and all the rules can fly out the window.

Some very strong traditionally minded individuals feel threatened by this new style.  Country artist Brad Paisley even wrote a song in reaction to the trend.  In his song, “I’m Still a Guy,” Paisley makes mention of men getting facials, manicures, waxes, botox, and having lotiony hands.  Paisley sings in his song, that no matter what, he will never do these things because he’s “got a pair.”  I think this song is a funny satire of this new generation of men who think femininity is chic.

In a way it’s nice to think men can be so open minded and willing to bend their ideas that they will accept trends that are traditionally known to be feminine.  On the other hand, it’s somewhat unnerving.  Are we all just dupes who fall for whatever the media tell us is “cool” or the “new trend”?  Do we have any deep rooted beliefs about what it means to be masculine and feminine in society, or are we all just easily molded?

What do you girls out there think?  Would you want a pretty boy boyfriend who grooms himself, gells his hair, and has a metro style?  Would you rather have a man like Brad Paisley who is manly through and through?  Or is somewhere in between the best way to be?

Change in Real Beauty

There are many double standards in media for men and women. One of these prevailing double standards over the years has been the pressure for women to be physically beautiful. I have noticed, however, that this is making a shift. Recent trends have suggested that there has been a change in what is considered beautiful or desirable in a woman.
In the past, Women have traditionally been stereotyped for having more concern for physical beauty. This stereotype still prevails. Pick up any woman’s magazine off the rack and you will see endless ads for makeup, hair products, etc. Women are the ones who have been known to develop eating disorders because of the pressure to be like a skinny models and celebrities. Women are the ones who have dealt with the pressure of fitting a mold to please a man. Lately, however, it seems like these roles are changing. I have noticed more and more references in the media to women wanting “real beauty” or wanting to look more natural. Lately, women have been encouraged to ignore the rules and pressures of the past and be true to themselves.
The 1998 sitcom, “King of Queens” depicts the life of an average Joe kind of man, Doug. Doug is an overweight deliveryman. Everything about this man is average. His wife, Carrie, however, is beautiful. While Doug is portrayed as a loveable goofball, with a big heart and a funny sense of humor. Carrie is very sassy and has a tendency toward rudeness. The show was playing upon stereotypical male and female attraction principles with these characters. The attraction was obvious. Doug loved Carrie because she was beautiful, and Carrie loved Doug because he had a great personality. This assumes that men value looks and women value character. This wasn’t the only show that portrayed men and women this way. “According to Jim” a sitcom that began in 2001, portrayed an average, but loving father with a beautiful mother. It used to be highly uncommon to see a handsome man with an average or overweight woman, but now all this is starting to change.
At first, the changes were small. Brought upon by eating disorders highlighted by the media as a growing problem in the United States, everyone knew something had to change. Celebrities jumped on the bandwagon, and began to protest the use of air brushing and false depictions of their appearances.

Faith Hill became angry when Redbook airbrushed her photo to make her look younger and thinner. She told the public that she was comfortable with her body, and didn’t want any false representations. Tyra Banks proudly posted her weight on the cover of People magazine and announced she was no longer skinny and she was fine with that. The campaigns began to remind girls and women about inner beauty. This is the premise of Dove’s “Real Beauty” campaign. Dove wishes to remind young girls what true beauty really is and encourage them to strive for what is really important in life.
Even the popular dramas have jumped on the bandwagon. Popular dramas such as “Sex in the City” and “Desperate Housewives” were notorious for showing unrealistically beautiful women in their 40s. Now, even shows like this are recognizing a shift in ideals. In the new season of “Desperate Housewives,” Gabrielle Solis, a past model and raving beauty, has suffered a loss in the beauty department. She has had two children and has put on a few pounds, no longer wears makeup, and appears to be worn. A recurring theme on the show is Gabrielle’s struggle for confidence and journey to embrace the new woman she is. Though she knows she is no longer the beautiful, youthful woman she once was, she now has a greater role. She is a mother, and she values herself more now than she ever has. Now, shows like “Desperate Housewives” are showing a more realistic side to women of a certain age or women who have experienced the physical effects of motherhood and stress.
In 2007, on the CBS soap opera, “Guiding Light” the popular, handsome, and wealthy, Coop Cooper began dating, Ashley Wolf, a socially awkward, obese young woman. This was very unusual for a soap opera. When questioned about his choice for a girlfriend, Coop said simply that Ashley was such a wonderful person, he couldn’t help but fall in love with her. She was loyal, loving, and caring, and these were the qualities he valued.

I am very pleased with this new shift. This shows that the media can observe the effects they have on society, and make positive changes as a result. The rise in eating disorders and confidence issues in young girls and women was a cry for help. The media has heard this cry, and now they are trying to pick up the pieces and take serious steps to change these stereotypes that have created pressure for women. Now, the most beautiful asset a woman can have is often portrayed as self love. This is such a positive change! I am very proud of the writers and creators of these ideas in the media.

The Way It’s Supposed to Be

   I have discussed the way media manipulates women into thinking they need to
certain way or do certain things to attract men and keep their attention
talked about how all the mind games are degrading and sabotaging when it
comes to a healthy and fulfilling romantic life.  I’ve also talked about how I
believe in mutual respect and honesty in relationships.
      Finally, I found an author who agrees with me!  Barbara De Angelis, auther of The Real Rules, is right on target!  This brilliant woman has found a way for women to find men who love them, and be fulfilled and honest.
Who knew it was possible?!  The slogan of the book is, “Find the right man for
the real you.”  The book says that when women play mind games they are
sabotaging their love lives over and over again.  To be someone you’re not, is
to attract someone who is wrong for you.  If you are yourself, the theory is
that you will attract less men, but the few that you do attract are genuine
matches because they like you for who you are.
    What could be more simple than this?  It is seemingly common sense, yet so
many women fall into these traps of treating love like it’s a game.  We’ve
probably all done it.  I think the reason is because we are all so impatient.
We want love, and we want it now.  The thing is, many of us wind up settling
for so much less than we deserve.
    If we could go into a time machine and envision life with true love, and if
we could see how happy we could be if we just focused on growing as people and
waiting patiently for the right person to come along, I bet we wouldn’t waste
our time with these never-ending cycles of heartbreak.
    Sometimes I think we have this state of mind that if nobody is interested in
us at the moment, there must be something wrong with us.  The truth is, if
nobody is interested in us at the moment, we just haven’t entered in to the
right circumstance or come across the right person.  I have heard the phrase,
“patience is a virtue.”  I think this is true.  A lot can be said for patience. Patience is a virtue that is
rewarded, because if we can just wait and be true to ourselves and have faith,
the right person could be just around the corner.  The best part is, if we have
the patience to wait, we don’t sacrifice who we are or lower ourselves in the
search.

Refreshing Wisdom from Jake

I’ve spent a few blogs criticizing advice and certain points journalists have made about attraction. Now, I think it’s time to praise what I consider a positive journalistic effort. Every month in Glamour magazine, this guy Jake talks about a specific dating issue. This is supposed to give women insight into the male mind. He has his annoying moments that make me roll my eyes and think, “typical man,” but he also has some enlightening ideas to share from time to time.

In his article, The Thrill After the Chase, in the September issue, Jake explains how two people can stay in love after the chase is over and the couple gets comfy and cozy together. My favorite aspect about this advice is that it involves no game playing whatsoever. I love the part about trying new stuff together. I completely agree with him. Just because two people have been together for a while doesn’t mean the excitement has to end. If a couple is creative enough, they can think of new date ideas, hobbies, and maybe even discover new passions, like Matt who discovered how much he enjoys traveling.

It was so liberating to read the section under “You can finally drop the act.” Finally, here is someone who says there should be no act! I understand why people want to put their best foot forward in the very beginning of a relationship, but it is definitely a nice feeling to be able to relax and not worry so much about impressing the other person. To drop the act and show your true self, is the only way to know if it’s real love. It is at this point that you know if this is the person you want to stay with. Unfortunately, some people never reach this stage because they are too busy playing games and creating something superficial.

The last bit of reasoning was heartwarming. “You know someone’s got your back,” highlights the fact that when you are confident in your love for someone, you feel there is nothing stopping you. The sky is the limit. I found a new respect for Jake at the end when he said, “I’ll take that over the thrill of the chase anytime.”

Now this is wisdom that is truly empowering to men and women. It emphasizes the joys of true love and encourages men and women to be adventurous, honest, and happy with what they have established. Good work, Jake. Keep it coming!

I don’t have it…Therefore, I want it.

Why is it that men and women always seem to what they can’t have? We see someone that comes across, for whatever reason, as unattainable. For some reason, if we do happen to form a relationship with this intriguing person, we suddenly lose interest. Some people have this problem to an extreme. This is the reason some people always fall for people who are committed to others, through marriage or otherwise. New Faces Free Magazine has an insightful little story explaining the phenomenon. I think this is a very accurate depiction of someone with the state of mind in which the unattainable seems like the most attractive. An unattainable person might also fall into the category of commitment phobe, or they might have a different sexuality preference than the person who is longing for them. There are all different forms and variations of unattainable. Most people fall for this at some point in their lives.

So what is the deal with appeal of the unattainable? Some argue that this longing and desire fuels love and passion. This is the premise of books like “The Rules,” which advises women to act aloof and distant in order to create a feeling of desire in men. This is also the reason mothers used to give their daughters advice to play hard to get.

Hard to get might be a good strategy when trying to attract a person, but the problems arise when it comes to keeping them. What happens when the unattainable is attained? I’ll tell you. The interest and passion fades. I have seen this happen.

An example of this is, was my friend in high school, Chelsea. Chelsea talked about how she wanted to date this guy. After he found out about her feelings toward him, he wanted to date her as well. They got together, and at first she was thrilled, but then when the guy began to fall head over heels, she began to lose interest. What happened? She got exactly what she wanted, which meant she had nothing to want anymore. She had nothing to long for, nothing to desire.

The question is, how can we move past this? What kind of a person seeks relationships and wants to stay in them? I think this would be a person who values a level of commitment and togetherness that only a relationship can provide. This person knows for sure what they want and knows how to appreciate it when they get it. Bottom line, this person has a true sense of self. I believe this is something we should all strive for.

What Men Want from Women…Really?

I read a very interesting article in Glamour magazine the other day. Glamour, like many women’s magazines, offers advice on how women can please men. This article was no different. Offering eleven tips on how to endear themselves to men, Glamour details what they claim is every man’s wish list.

Men and women are very different, and it makes sense that we sometimes need advice on how to handle one another. The advice part is not what I have a problem with. What I do have a problem with, however, is that this advice particularly encourages women to put their own needs aside and cater to those needs of their partner…no matter how superficial they may be.

One piece of advice that really aggravated me was to give him “some space when his team loses the big game.” I understand that men get into sports. I think that is silly, considering they often have no ties to the sports teams whatsoever, but I’m willing to accept it. However, from a woman’s perspective, I see no reason to give him space if his team loses and he is stomping around like a little kid. I’m not trying to sound self-absorbed, but I guarantee anything that I would want to talk about during this time is more important than his team losing. Should I tiptoe around him and not tell him about my day or talk about something going on with the kids because his team lost? That is completely ridiculous! I have heard men compare their emotion while watching sports to women crying when they watch sappy movies. If that’s the case, and the situation was reversed, I may be sitting on the couch crying while watching a love movie on Lifetime, Television for Women. Even if I were crying over a movie, I wouldn’t expect my husband to leave me alone and avoid talking to me. I would be laughing at myself for getting so emotionally involved with something that doesn’t actually pertain to my life, or real life in general, for that matter. I think women realize when something is just for entertainment purposes. Men don’t see this. They somehow think it affects them personally if their team loses. I just don’t get it.

Also, I find the part about laughing at all of his jokes the slightest bit unnerving, especially considering the last piece of advice about allowing him to be himself. Why is it that men should be allowed to be themselves and women are responsible for keeping them happy, even if it means faking certain emotions? Why would a man want a woman to fake laughter in the first place? I, for one wouldn’t appreciate knowing that someone was fake laughing at my silly jokes. If you fake laugh, how will he know when the laughter is genuine?

The bit of advice that irks me the most is number 4…Giving him the green light to have sex with a celebrity should the situation arise. Maybe I’m just crazy, but I was under the impression that if you love someone, that is the person you desire and stay faithful to. Am I unrealistic? Too old fashioned? Are my standards and expectations too high? Maybe so, but I doubt it. I have a lot of girlfriends who I know would agree with me on that one. All I can say about this, is I sure hope that one was a joke.

The bottom line is, I believe in mutual respect and equality in romantic relationships. Both partners should make an effort to make each other happy. It isn’t fair for one person to bend over backward, fake emotion, and be supportive 24 hours a day, while the other is accepted and catered to, flaws and all, unconditionally. I honestly don’t even believe that men want romantic relationships to be this way either. Where is the give and take? Maybe some would argue that this is a light-hearted article not meant to be taken seriously, but I strongly feel this is the sort of advice that contributes to low self-esteem, self-doubt, and a lack of pride in women. I know there are articles and books out there that offer women powerful and sound advice for the purpose of self-growth. I’ve read them. It just seems all too often that these articles are far and few between and somehow get lost or overlooked in all of the shallowness and popular advice that is in poor taste.

Media Manipulation

Something that really bothers me in today’s media world, is when a writer targets women’s insecurities to market a product, and tries to disguise it as somehow empowering to women. There are examples of this everywhere…In women’s magazines, in the newspapers, in movies, TV shows, etc. I’ll save more of these for other blogs, but right now I want to talk about one book, in particular.

A perfect example of this manipulative use of the media, is Sherry Argov’s New York Times Bestseller, Why Men Love Bitches. http://www.sherryargov.com/. The goal of this book is to teach women how to be feisty, challenging, and yes, bitchy toward men to create a sense of mystery and intrigue. This book claims to try to empower women by telling them to assert their own wants and needs, and put them before the needs of their male significant others. The thing is…every chapter is about how to make a man interested and intrigued and to keep him that way by inadvertently, catering to his wants and his needs.

The book has a clever premise. It plays off of human psychology. The reason this book was a bestseller is because the advice really and truly works. These tactics and mind games can easily be used to attract a man. Then what’s the problem? The problem is that this is the sort of advice that leads to a downward spiral. It is rewarding to us women when first applied. Life is going our way. Then, all of a sudden we start feeling resentment and a lack of fulfillment, and we don’t know why. The reason is, because the whole book is a contradiction. It makes us act in ways that are contradicting, think in ways that are contradicting, and even feel emotions that are contradicting. Before we know it, we are a walking, breathing, living contradiction.

Chapter 4, for example, is very representative of the book as a whole. Chapter 4 is entitled “Dumb Like A Fox.” It is full of words of wisdom and the following ideas: “How to convince him he’s in control while you run the show,” “The Dumb Fox Handles His Ego with Kid Gloves,” “The Dumb Fox is a Clever Negotiator,” and “The Dumb Fox Is More Mysterious.” The real kicker is the last part, “The Dumb Fox Is True To Herself.”

How can you be true to yourself if you are playing games and manipulating people into falling in love with you? In my opinion, being true to yourself means acting in a way you normally would, without being conniving or devious. I, myself, will admit I have resorted to these sorts of tricks in the past. I did so out of desperation. Any woman who follows advice like this is doing so because she is desperate at that point in her life…desperate to be liked. This book targets this desperation that we all feel sometimes. This is only one example of media that target this tendency in all women. Like I said earlier, media sources do this all the time.

We should learn as consumers of the media whether or not we should listen to advice. To do this, we should ask ourselves the following questions: What is the intent of the person selling us this product? Are they trying to manipulate us? Do they really want to empower us, and what’s in it for them? Wikipedia defines media manipulations as “an aspect of public relations in which partisans create an image or argument that favours their particular interests.” .

I think the main way to know if you are being manipulated by the media is to detect contradictions in the message. Why Men Love Bitches is full of bold contradictions. It is manipulative. It takes advantage. This is why it is a bestseller. It accomplishes its goal, but does this make it morally right? I argue no, and later, I will explore the negative outcomes of falling for such manipulations.

Women Aren’t The Only Ones

In my last post, I talked about the book, Why Men Love Bitches. The topic was game playing, and women are definitely guilty of this.

Women, however aren’t the only ones. Last semester, my roommate’s friend Chris visited for the weekend, and I noticed he was reading something intently online. When I asked him what it was, he said he had subscribed to a dating advice website. He was getting e-newsletters almost everyday online from a dating expert named David DeAngelo. I became curious, so I subscribed as well. I thought, “Why not? It’s free.” I was curious. This man has his own website,, a fan base, subscribers who receive his newsletters through email, and a line of books, as well as videos. DeAngelo’s claim to fame is that he can supposedly teach men to create a feeling of attraction in women based on a series of mind games. Of course, the newsletters explain the problems men face in trying to seduce women, but they don’t explain any of the solutions. You have to purchase one of his books or videos to be let in on those secrets.

DeAngelo’s main strategy he shares for getting women is the CF routine, which stands for cocky/funny. He believes if a man shows a woman the right balance of cockiness and funniness, he can win her over for sure. Now, this cockiness usually involves insulting her somehow, but doing so in a very flirtatious way. Because of this, women seem to think the men have a cute sense of humor and therefore begin developing a feeling of attraction.

DeAngelo never hesitates to share with subscribers the mounds of thank you letters and positive feedback he receives for his helpful advice. I am suspicious about a few of his tactics. First of all, if his business is so successful and his products are selling, why does he put so much effort into these newsletters. They are generally extremely long and detailed. They always have subject lines such as “How to get a woman’s number on the spot,” “How to get her and keep her,” “How to pick up women on the internet,” “How to keep a woman from leaving you,” etc. In the emails, he talks in detail about these serious problems. He hints at how to fix them. Then he suggests buying one of his books to find out. You wouldn’t think someone as successful as he, would take the time to do this.

Aside from my suspicion about his success, I have to wonder how his plans work out in the long run. When does the game playing stop? If women are following advice from books such as, Why Men Love Bitches, and men are subscribing to these websites and passing around advice, how do we know if two people are genuinely in love? How do we know what is true emotion and what is purely a game? Can strategies and conniving games really create true love? Are these authors teasing and manipulating consumers? I say, the answer is yes. I think what they are doing is very clever, but also unethical. In this way, media is setting up consumers for heartbreak. When people are playing games, it becomes a battle for control and a quest for the upper hand. It causes resentment and frustration in the end, as I have said before. It also, however, creates desire, and this is why it continues to sell. This is why DeAngelo has over a million subscribers.

We, as consumers need to be careful about avoiding manipulation, being tricked into paying for advice we could easily find elsewhere, and most importantly, avoiding hurting other people by following a self-proclaimed expert’s ill-advised plans of action. Even though I have already touched on this, I will talk more in detail about how to avoid manipulation in further blogs. More importantly, I will research why we should all resist the temptation of mind games and why it is so important to show a romantic partner your true self, vulnerabilities and all.